Surviving
Life After A Divorce
By
Sharon
Jacobsen
After
divorce, the most important thing you can do is to move forward
sensibly. Here are ten steps to help you on your way back to a
fulfilling life.
1.
Think single. As obvious as it may seem, you're no longer one half
of a couple and that can take some getting used to. After all, life
as a single woman is very different to the life you've been leading
for a major part of your life. Take time to understand the changes
that are happening in your life and don't expect it to be easy.
2.
Remind yourself that it's ok to be single. In a society where single
women are often looked down at by their married peers, they can
easily find themselves believing that they're failures; that
"real" women are involved in loving, lasting
relationships. That simply isn't true. More and more women are
choosing to remain single, or to break out of unfulfilling
relationships, something which shows strength rather than weakness.
Surviving means believing in yourself and your capabilities as a
single woman.
3.
Don't try to get even. No matter how angry you are at your partner,
even if he's been unfaithful to you, don't try to get your own back.
You'll just end up exhausting your personal energy on something that
isn't going to be the least bit fruitful. It certainly won't get him
back but the bitterness will most likely stop you from moving on.
You don't deserve that, so don't do it! Try to approach your anger
in a sensible manner, one that will constructive in helping you back
to a healthy, emotional state of mind. Writing down exactly what is
making you angry and why can often help you to understand and deal
with your feelings. Find a friend who'll listen and tell her how you
feel. Anger needs an outlet, but revenge isn't a healthy way of
venting it.
4.
Accept that the relationship is over. When you're living alone and
your partner has moved on, it should be easy to accept that it's
over. Unfortunately, this is something that a lot of women have
problems with. You may find yourself making excuses to visit him by
forgetting things at his place or needing to discuss something
trivial regarding the children. Don't crowd him. Talk to him when
you need to, visit if you must, but be polite, keep your distance
emotionally, and accept that you now lead separate lives. The sooner
you accept this, the sooner you will be able to find happiness
again.
5.
Don't live in the past. No doubt you've got some great memories from
your time together, you would never have stayed together as long as
you did if there were never any good times. Remember them by all
means, but don't dwell on them. If you find yourself wishing that
everything could be "like that" again, give yourself a
mental slap and remind yourself that there are some fantastic
moments waiting for you in the future and that the past is nothing
but a memory. You can learn from it but you can't change it or
return to it. It's over. Gone. The future is what you should be
thinking about now!
6.
Don't drown yourself in guilt. You've probably said a few things
that you didn't mean and now regret but you can't change that now.
By all means apologise to your ex if it'll make you feel better, but
don't expect your apology to change anything. Forgive yourself and
learn from your mistakes.
7.
Re-discover yourself! How much of yourself did you give up during
your relationship? Did you find yourself bending over backwards to
satisfy your partner? Now is the time to start living for you! Doing
the things that make YOU happy will increase your self-confidence.
Get a new hair-cut, re-arrange the furniture, enrol on a course. Do
anything you like, but do it for YOU.
8.
Sort out your finances. Your financial situation is bound to have
changed and it's important that you know exactly how much you have
coming in. It's easy to start over-spending while you're wallowing
in your self-pity. A little extra indulgence here and another there;
it's easy to fall into the trap so don't be tempted. Getting
yourself into debt will just make your life as a single woman
unnecessarily difficult. If your income is low (or non-existent)
contact Social Services Benefits Advice Service or your local
Citizens Advice Bureau. They will have somebody available to assess
your needs and help you claim any benefits that you may be eligible
for.
9.
Don't become lonely. You may have found that your "couple
friends" no longer invite you over or that your married friends
don't have the time to do the things you suggest. Don't panic. This
is perfectly normal and as time passes you will gradually find new
friends. Whatever you do, be positive when you are with others as
positive people always attract more friends. When you meet new
people, they don't want to listen to "doom and gloom".
They don't know you yet and will probably find it difficult to be
sympathetic to a complete stranger. Be cheery and make them smile,
people will remember and like you for that.
10.
Don't get involved on the rebound! We've all heard it, but when you
meet "that" guy, it's so easy to forget. Keep your dates
light and remember that there is a broad line between getting to
know a person and bonding a close, intimate relationship. Don't try
to jump that line, it's there to be crossed slowly. When you try to
cross it too quickly you'll be forcing the relationship and forced
relationships rarely last. Yes, I know there are some whirlwind
romances that have survived the test of time, but those are the
exception, rather than the rule.
I've
been married, single and a live-in partner. All sorts of
relationships have their good and bad sides. When you're single you
might yearn for the stability of marriage; when you're married you
may envy the freedom of your single friends. Whatever happens,
whether you choose to remain single or forge a new relationship,
don't keep comparing your life with that of your friends. You're
unique - your life is exceptional! Enjoy it!
About
The Author: Sharon
is a freelance writer living in South Cheshire, England. Having been
through both a divorce and the breakdown of a long-term
relationship, she understands what's involved in the aftermath. To
contact Sharon or to learn more about her work, please visit http://www.sharon-jacobsen.co.uk
Article
Source: http://EzineArticles.com/
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